Roller coaster. I need a miracle.

And I believe in miracles. I've experienced many as a matter of fact. Anyways....another update:

My stake president called yesterday while I was at institute, and he told my mom he needed to meet with me. She made me an appointment with him for tonight (thursday) at 7:30. When I got home and saw the note, my heart sank a little bit. That can only mean theres a snag. Well it could have been about something else but not likely. So here's how my day today went, actually starting last night:

I could not get to sleep and did not sleep very well.
Then I had to take my mom to work at 7:45am so I could have a vehicle for the day because my dad went to calgary. I tried to sleep some more when I got home but that didnt work very well. Ok I'll fast forward a bit...
I worked from 1-6,
Went straight to mission prep
Left early and went straight to the church to meet with stake pres.
Went straight to institute choir.
Busy day!

Ok so I'll get to what you're probably actually interested in. I met with my stake president and he said he got a call from salt lake mission department and they would like me to see a gastroenterologist and have him write up all about my health and if they think I could serve a mission or whatever. He said that they asked him about me, about my energy levels and he told me that he said he thinks I can serve a mission. At this point I was like yeah saw that coming, a little bit of a bummer but no biggie. Then he said that it could be possible that they wont call me on a mission unless I am in complete remission (from crohn's which is what I have just in case you are a little behind). I am not in remission. I am doing fairly well and have been going upward.....but I'm not in remission. I need a miracle. I need to improve even more. and STAT. Or else its quite possible they wont call me on a mission. This is why I wanted to keep it on the down low, because I didnt want this to happen. Tell everyone I'm going and then oh jokes I'm not. I dont want to have to explain that over and over and over. I have not lost hope, I could still go. But I might not for a while too. I'm sure its what I'm supposed to do, the timing just may not be right. But here's where I get discouraged and confused and will doubt myself (wether I should or shouldnt) if mission is ex-nayed for now. Here's why (get ready for a pretty personal summary of the past 9 months or so):

8-9 months ago I was praying about marriage and mission and life. I had a blessing from my dad. I dont remember what it specifically said but I was told to continue doing what I know is right and trust in the lord. Then as I was praying and studying I got my answer that mission was the direction to go. I sat on it for a month or so. I was unsure and doubtful and like really? me? serve a mission? Right. I kept feeling like I just needed to start taking a step, make a move. I met with my YSA bishop, told him my situation and how I was feeling. That I was no where near financially ready to serve a mission and that my health wasnt on par, but that I felt like its what I need to do and that I just need to start making a move. At that point I was kinda expecting him to tell me ways I could prepare spiritually and come back when I'm in a better position. But no he said thats great I think thats a great idea, and I dont see any reason to delay. a few weeks later my membership was sent to my family ward so I could meet with my family ward bishop to begin my papers. I met with him, got the same kind of response. Lets get going. I started working on my papers. I got really sick with the flu so I sat on my papers for a couple months. I had doubts and concerns and was unsure. I got a priesthood blessing, it said to continue with my mission preparations and to keep going, trust in the Lord. Ok. I continued with my papers. Conversations with family and friends made me doubt and I became unsure again. I met with my bishop. My concerns were cleared up and finished my papers. I met with my bishop, he interviewed me and things were good. I met with my stake president and also "passed". My papers were sent to salt lake. A week later they asked for more in depth info about my health. And here I am. After every time I spoke with my bishop or stake president I felt so happy....like joy actually. I have felt so good about this decsion and like I am doing the right thing. I have been acting on promptings and answers to prayer. If now is not the right time for me to go on a mission-WHY WOULDN'T I HAVE BEEN STOPPED OR HELD UP SOONER! Here's where I will doubt myself. Did I misunderstand spiritual guidance? Did I do something wrong?

I've also felt like there's been some divine help in how everything has worked out so smoothly. All my appointments fell on days that I already didnt work, I didnt have to ask for work off to make things work (other than when I ran away to saksatoon). Things were just falling into place. I was able to see a doctor sooner, etc. Those things could be cooincidence. But the spiritual guidance I have recieved was real.

In the end I will be fine and I know that Heavenly Father knows what he's doing and whatever will be will be wether its easy or not. And I will come to terms with whatever is right (sometimes it takes time). Things will be fine. But it will be disheartening after getting so excited and feeling so good about things....to have those feelings dashed.

Maybe I shouldnt be coming to conclusions yet. It can still happen, I dont know that it wont. But I am bracing myself for dissapointment. The pessimist in me is coming out a bit.

I just dont understand why I would feel so good about things so far and get this far to have it flushed down the toilet. So here's to hoping. If you wanted to send a few prayers up for me in the next little while, I would appreciate it.


OH LIFE! I'm trying to do the right thing! I really am.


Sorry, I needed to get that out.