Alone

So I have to admit...I am really really struggling lately. Like more than ever. I dont even know what I'm struggling with some of the time...sometimes I just feel so not ok and I cant figure it out. Having poor health is really a hard thing. It effects you more than just physically. It exhausts you spiritually, emotionally, psychologically....you name it, it effects it. I hate feeling like this. And I want to change it but I feel like I'm trying so hard and getting nowhere. And I feel bad for the burden I am on my family. I'm pretty sure I am often not fun to deal with. When you are exhausted in every way its hard to still be positive and pleasant to people. And Your family gets the worst of it. And I dont want to be like that. I know what its like from the receiving end and its not fun. I dont want to be like that. I dont know how some people just aren't....how do they do it? My mom is an amazing woman. You hardly ever know when shes not well or struggling or exhausted or upset or whatever. She is just still pleasant to people and I just dont know how she always does it. I want to be like her. This week I am going to try to be really conscious of how I respond to people both outside of home and especially at home. If I can be nice to people outside of home, I can be at home too.

Anyways sorry for the long lead up to the point. When I am struggling I just want to be alone. I want to close myself off from people and take time to figure things out, to regroup. Maybe its partly because I dont like to be unpleasant to people, and its hard to be positive all the time...so I just want to hide until I can be. But I also every once in a while need time to myself to think and study and pray and just let down, then regroup and start again. Sometimes I just need to take a step back and evaluate where I am and make some new goals or see where I am at with goals. Right now I just really want to drive to waterton all by myself and find somewhere where I can be alone and think. Maybe that seems odd...and it kinda does to me...usually I dont like going places by myself, but right now I just really cant wait for my day off on thursday so maybe I can do that. I really want to!

Anyways...sorry again for all the depressing posts lately. Life really is good. Its just (suprise suprise) hard. Things are looking up-ish though! I can make it through. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!